Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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