The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
