you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
barbara walters just said penis...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
