i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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