I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
