Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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