It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My feet surprised me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
