there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize