The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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