I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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