I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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