I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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