My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
