you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
