Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
