I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
