I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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