Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
