When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
