On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
