i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
