the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
