Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
