do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
