If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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