Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
