the condom got lost in my hair
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
