I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
