i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
