i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
