I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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