So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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