I heard we made out
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
