if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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