I think I won the penis lottery.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
