I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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