I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
