I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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