I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
