I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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