I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
