Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
