When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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