OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
