you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
