i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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