I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
