My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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