so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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