My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
