dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
