The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize