you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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