Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I wish there were birth control emojis
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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