Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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