At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
