My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
