I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
