I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize