i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
